My Story – Part 1


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From almost as young as I can remember, I was “not like other girls”. I grew up with 3 brothers, and most of the family friends had sons too. I didn’t even realise the difference – to me it was normal and natural to play sports, play “army army”, play lego and cars, etc. I was never inclined towards baby dolls and pretend tea parties. When I first went to school, I remember all my friends being boys and other tomboys. Boy short hair and learning to walk like a boy was what we did… as well as staying away from the girly girls – eeww! As I got older, nothing changed, I still wanted my hair short, jeans, takkies, and (unfortunately) luminous t-shirts and boardshorts. I wanted a skateboard, BMX, surfboard, mountain bike, soccer balls, cricket gear, electric guitars and drum kits. I was a natural at soccer (I can kick properly… i.e. like a guy), excellent at cricket (my bowling surprised most batsmen), great swimmer (you should’ve seen my shoulders), and pretty much what ever I tried I felt pretty natural at. I wasn’t allowed to join a non-school swimming team or (heaven forbid) a girls cricket team!! Music, computers, woodwork all awesome! Sewing, cooking, shopping NOT!

I grew up in a very Christian environment. By “very Christian”, I mean my family, including extended family, are all committed Christians. For most of my schooling I was in a Christian school tightly integrated with the Church. Teachings on sexual purity and being a Godly women (or wife) were frequent. I don’t actually remember whether there was much specific mention of same sex attraction / orientation back then, but I certainly knew “what we believed” and what the Bible had to say about it. Expectations of leadership, purity, marrying a Godly man, having and raising Godly children were all part of the package, and in fact became my dream. Hey, you couldn’t ask for a “better” upbringing, right? Christian environment, loving family, no abuse, no divorce… surely I would grow up to be a “normal”, stable, wonderful Christian lady? Well… turns out I am 😉 … but not by the definition of everyone!

From a young age I have loved God with all my heart. One of my earliest childhood memories is me praising and worshipping him, and feeling a genuine sense of deep joy. This was a God moment, as I have remembered it my whole life, and it’s one of the biggest parts of my revelation of God. I have a very real and deep knowledge in the existence of God, and His Spirit in me. It’s this personal relationship with God that has got me through some tough times over the years.

I was not a very happy teenager. The reasons for this are many, but part of it was never feeling I could be who I felt I was. Constant pressure from family and church / school to be more feminine. Being in a small school, not finding any other people “like me”. The feeling that they all thought I’d grow out of it, but didn’t. It was tough for me when boys who used to think I was the coolest girl they knew suddenly hit pubity and switched to liking the girly girls better than the tomboy girl! I didn’t feel like I had much in common with anyone. It was like whenever I got excited about something, no-one was with me! I felt glares and rolling eyes most of the time. This did wonders for my self-esteem and self-image. All the other girls in school were girly girls. My best friend was a girly girl too… but she also like skateboarding and climbing trees up until the teens. Finally at about age 16 I started to grow my hair, and try to fit the mould of being more feminine. It has never felt natural to me, and I have had a lot of issues with this over the years, but more on that later.

Now when I was a teenager, my dreams and “fantasies” involved boys, not girls. I “fell in love” with (or rather, “had crushes on”) a few of the boys at my school over the years. I always had a best friend (girl) though. I needed that. I was quite intense with my best friends, but never did the thought cross my mind that I was “attracted” to them. I had my first real boyfriend at age 19. I loved him with all my heart. He was my first love, and all credit to him, he was an awesome guy! When that ended, I was truly devasted. I was single for quite some time, and then… I met a girl…

Read part 2