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This is part 2 of the “My Story” series.
I mentioned previously, that I would elaborate on the issues I’ve had with femininity. Over the years, I have learned to become more feminine, but it is not a natural inclination to me at all. I do feel in so many ways, that I would’ve made a “better” man than a woman, but this I believe, is simply because of culture and society’s definitions of gender roles. I am not transsexual. I am a human being with a complete body (i.e. I don’t feel like something is missing between my legs ;-)), but by society’s definition I am so much more male. I have some of the female vices though… such as emotional intensity, and verbosity! Did you notice? 😉
So, as mentioned, growing up I felt incredible pressure to conform to my environment’s definition of femininity. This included growing my hair, wearing make-up, wearing dresses, skirts, heels, jewelery, having a handbag, being a softer, quieter individual, cooking, sewing, shopping, and whatever else was acceptably feminine. Very few of these things appeal to me in the slightest. But, I am not a hardcore dyke either. My hair is long, I wear light make-up fairly regularly, I blow-dry my hair and wear “sexier” clothes when going out. I go the whole hog if going to a wedding – evening dress, heels, hair, make-up, handbag. And hey, I clean up pretty good, and look pretty hot that way. 😉 But, I am most comfortable in my jeans, comfortable takkies / trainers / hiking boots, jeep t-shirts, and often a cap! I like the sporty look. I like the rock-chick look. I like the shirt and waste-coat look. I like practical clothing. I cringe at women who dress to look femme and sexy, and yet must be freezing their “you know what’s” off! As long as I am comfortable, I am happy.
I must admit though, this is where I really do wish I was a guy… in that I am not a bad looking person… in fact I am quite attractive 😉 … but a lot of the time I am too lazy to go through all the effort it takes to look good. And this is bad, because I hate not looking good. Guys can get away with not shaving and still look good… and they don’t have to do much with their hair or put layers of “stuff” on their face to look presentable. Then there’s female hair removal!! Don’t get me wrong… the hair must go! But damn, what a mission! Constantly needing to be maintained! Aargh! I know guys have their shaving issues… but no-one would really look at them funny if they had hair on their face! I have had nightmares of being in the gym cloakrooms and realising I haven’t shaved my legs for weeks!
And it’s not just about outward appearance. I fit society’s male role in so many other ways. All of my interests and hobbies have typically been predominantly “male” interests (or at least in the recent past). Cricket, soccer, basketball, surfing, diving, skateboarding, mountain biking, playing electric guitar, bass, drums, doing woodwork, riding motorbikes, loving nice sporty fast cars, programming, computers, sound engineering, etc etc. I can fix most things myself. I am good at all the left-brain stuff, and I can see solutions to problems pretty easily. I am logical and practical. These are the things I love and do. I don’t like cooking, but I love eating good food – that is such a boy thing to say isn’t it?! I do not like shopping, reading woman’s magazines, and whatever else the stereotypical female likes to do?!
But, none of this matters. Because what I have learned over the last 10 years, is that it is more important to be me… the real me… expressing myself the way that I feel, and doing the things that I love to do, regardless of what others may think. This is being true to myself, and comfortable with myself, and happy with me. I am an awesome person with many talents and so much to offer. Why the hell should that be dictated by whether I stand to pee or not?!
Read part 3…